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by Hitlertheduck



Category: Unbelievable Gwenpool
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23866162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitlertheduck/pseuds/Hitlertheduck
Summary: Gwenpool helps Moses part the Red Sea, eats a small child, and goes on a date with Osama Bin Laden
Comments: 2





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Gwenpool was hopping around on a pogo-stick when a fat ugly orc showed up to block her path. Gwenpool then reached into her vagina and pulled out her Vag-saw and sliced the fat ugly orc into two equal halves before a geyser of blood erupted from his dead body.

She then stuck out her tongue to taste the blood, but one drop of an orc’s blood weighs the same as the great wall of China so Gwen ended up falling through the earth until she ended up in the earth’s core.

She finds out that the Earth’s core is actually a cheeseburger. Gwen seductively takes a bite out of the cheeseburger core and the Earth gets turned on by Gwen’s kinky bite and busts a nut so great that it floods the entire universe.

Gwen gets washed away by the jizz flood and lands in New York City where she finds Wolverine drinking his favorite drink, Ketchup. 

Wolverine asks “hey Gwen do you want some ketchup”. Gwen then responds “my family was raped and killed by a ketchup bottle when I was just a toddler, you wouldn’t happen to know anything about that would you?”

The ketchup bottle then springs to life and yells “RUN LOGAN SHE’S ONTO US!”

Wolverine and the ketchup bottle sprint away at sonic speeds, Gwenpool then revs up her vag-saw and chases after them on ice skates while singing German folk songs in Russian.  
Gwenpool finally manages to catch up to them after 500 years and she decapitates both Wolverine, and the ketchup bottle, finally putting an end to their feud.

Gwenpool is about to leave but she looks back and sees that when she decapitated the ketchup bottle, it got a canister of ooze dropped on it. The ketchup bottle then mutates into paper airplane-sama. 

Gwenpool had always hated paper airplanes, ever since she had gotten intimate with a paper airplane and he never called her again, Gwenpool had sworn that all paper airplanes would face her wrath.

Paper airplane-sama then jumped into the air and got into Eva unit 01 and started trying to crush Gwen. Gwen then did a transformation pose and turned into the Iron Giant.   
Iron Giant Gwenpool then pointed at the Eva and said “I’m takin ya ta flavor town” in a Middle Eastern accent. Iron Giant Gwenpool then drop-kicked Eva unit 01 so hard that he flew into the sun, but the chemical reaction of a sun combining with a paper airplane caused reality to become distorted.

Iron Giant Gwenpool then changed back into her normal form and looked around. In this new reality, everyone was a famous basketball player and basketball wasn’t played by throwing a ball into a hoop. Instead it was played by going to court and suing everyone there for all that they own. Once you win ten lawsuits, you get a point. Whichever team gets ten points first wins.

Gwenpool was then tackled by Captain Planet only in this reality Captain Planet didn’t want to help the environment, he wanted to become the best window washer in the multiverse and also he had a green Hulk Hogan mustache.

Captain Planet said, “I will destroy this world, soon everything will become the filth on a window that I must clean”. 

Gwen then noticed that there was a booger hanging out of Captain Planet’s nose. She then flicked the booger away with enough force that it exploded in a mushroom cloud that destroyed the entirety of Canada.

Captain Planet then calmed down and said in a French accent “thank you for doing that Gwen, that booger had been controlling my mind for the past 7 years, I don’t really want to be a window washer, I want to be the guy who writes terms and conditions before you make an account online”

Kangaroo Jack then showed up, put his hand on Captain Planet’s shoulder and said “son, I’m glad that you’ve finally decided to carry on the family business”. Kangaroo Jack then did the fusion dance with his son and they combined into the world’s largest cup of coffee.

The cup of coffee was about to leave but Gwenpool got thirsty and she started to drink the coffee out of his head. The cup of coffee screamed for her to stop but Gwen kept going, this went on for 6000 years until eventually the coffee cup breathed its last breath and died right there.

Gwen then hopped onto the coffee cup’s dead body (because coffee cups function as spaceships after their death) and flew to mars. 

Once Gwen landed on Mars, she folded the spaceship into an origami crane for some little shit kid to play with or something. Gwen was greeted by her best friend in the whole wide world, Captain Crunch. 

Captain Crunch and Gwenpool then did their secret friendship handshake which consisted of making out and tonguing each other until they were both dehydrated to the point where they look like holocaust survivors. 

After they both finished they, then proceeded to talk about how much they both wanted to impregnate Martin Luther King Jr, until they were stopped by Gwenpool’s arch nemesis, the age of consent.

“Gwenpool, my oldest nemesis, are you here to finally settle the score with me once and for all” asked the age of consent. Gwen then smirked and said “yeah, so let’s fucking do this.” Gwen then pulled out her vag-saw, and the age of consent reached into his ass and pulled out a mouse trap. 

Captain Crunch wanted to help Gwen so he did a transformation pose and transformed into Optimus Prime.

Gwen and Optimus Crunch then attacked the age of consent from both sides at once but the age of consent blasted them both with heat vision. Gwen was on the ground but before she could get up, a flower pot fell on her head and a sitcom laugh track played after it.

Gwen then yelled to her friend Optimus Crunch “you know what we have to do”, Optimus Crunch just nodded his head to show he knows what she’s talking about. Gwenpool and Optimus Crunch then started to reach into the audience and started throwing audience members at the age of consent

The age of consent started to get weaker because his only weakness was sitcom audience members and this eventually started to make him heat up until he combusted in a fiery explosion which took all of existence with it.

Gwenpool and Optimus Crunch were floating around aimlessly in space, bored as can be. Gwen then spotted a lego set which was labeled “All of existence” floating next to them.   
Gwen and Optimus Crunch then opened up the set and began their quest to rebuild all of existence.


End file.
